I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
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Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Am I having a stroke?
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.