I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
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My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Good news