I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
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[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
multitasking lunch
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol