I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
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My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
🤣
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.