I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
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The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.