I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
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If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids