I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
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SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Never ghost your hitman.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I’m tired tomorrow.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.