@Steelers1972: I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
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@rockymomax: wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news? -the baby walked! wife: OMG where is he? -i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
@flaskofwhiskeyy: Whoever said "out of sight, out of mind" has never had a spider disappear in their bedroom.
@dafloydsta: [first date] HER: I'm really into the outdoors type. ME: [trying to impress] I'm homeless.