[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
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see you in hell you stupid fruit
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC