@kelownagoose: I have an awful lot of shampoo and conditioner for a single bald dude
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@DadInUtah: 6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don't worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
@mayamanion: I've been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I'm still fat, I'm calling bullshit.
@QwertyJones3: "This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after." -Inventor of the jersey
@Glorificus917: When someone asks me if I'm seeing anyone, I automatically assume they're talking about a psychiatrist.