exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich