I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
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Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
That’s fair
True?
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes