I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
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Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs