I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
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EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Knock Knock
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes