Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
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“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Practicing safe sax
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Need this in my life lol
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
*has no idea what a book even is*
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.