You Might Also Like
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees