I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
You Might Also Like
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?