I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
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If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.