Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
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[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Blew out my flip flop…
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
There are no pants in heaven.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting