(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
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[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I’m good, thanks.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?