@JoParkerBear: I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
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@FinallyHeSleeps: Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it's more of a beached-dad-bod.
@Sickayduh: [hospital] SON: I came as soon as I heard. What happened? DAD: The oying hit me SON: What's an oying? DAD: You are, kiddo *dies*
@SocialExtortion: fun prank: text a girl "we need to talk right now" and then throw your phone into a river
@carlyken: Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won't eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I'll hold. Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori