I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
You Might Also Like
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
We’re all getting idioter.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Bringing home a sharpie
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.