I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
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We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I’m calling the cops.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl