I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
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Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
I just love that new Pope smell.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.