IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
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Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.