I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
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I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later