I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
You Might Also Like
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.