I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
You Might Also Like
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Me trying to reach for my goals
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.