i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
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[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Punctuation Matters. Period.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.