I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
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y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
When I can’t barge, I careen.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK