@LeonEarlgrey: I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
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@mattZillaaaa: Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I'm like here's another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
@iscoff: [Guy on the Death Star who's really sick of hearing Vader's breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I'm going to put on some music
@LackOfShame: Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan? Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull. Fan light: Ok wow like I'm right here
@XOperfectmessXO: When you search your kid's backpack and find they have a project due tomorrow and wish you would have found drugs instead.