I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
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TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Happy Friday
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
We all have our pet causes.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Matt Goss
Yup.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death