I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
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STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
This is why I hate group projects
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF