@nyquills: I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
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@davidkenny100: American: I was just at a shotgun wedding Me: How far pregnant was the bride? American: You English are insane Shotguns can't get pregnant
@Cait_Plus_Eight: Your ex asking if you can still be friends is like kidnappers saying "keep in touch" after they let you go.
@LinajkReturns: So much mascara her eyes got stuck in the closed position. Too bad lipstick doesn't work that way.
@murrman5: coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it? me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys