@FauxFawx: In 1974 I helped a man called "Falcon" throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms

@TheHatdog: Shake what your momma gave you. *shakes unemployed brother*

@JohnLyonTweets: Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

@DaddyJew: HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA THINK YOUR FRIEND IS REALLY CUTE

@Brampersandon_: FARMER: you ok man? ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol FARMER: lol ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg