I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
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PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Close call…
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?