@Reverend_Scott: Earth: "You're causing tidal waves!" Moon: "So?" Earth: "I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation!" Moon: "Very funny."

@Deirdreocx: [Cops have a warrant for my arrest] Cops: you're coming with us! *Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away* Foot chase ensues.

@CrapLocalNews: Breaking news:

@TeamPHumor: Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house

@Underchilde: Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.