I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
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are there any atheist mantises?
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Baller is short for ballerina
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.