I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
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You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.