I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
You Might Also Like
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I mean…but I did
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat