if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
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Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”