I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
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Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Webb. James Webb.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
But wait…
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.