I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
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Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it