I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
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The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
LOL
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.