I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
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Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering