@SmithWit: I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
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@Mr_Kapowski: After incorrectly spelling my symptoms at least 100 times, WebMD kicked back "Listen idiot, you're drunk. Just go lay down"
@DaddyJew: Dentist: have you been flossing? [ flashback to me picking steak out of my teeth with a potato chip earlier ] Me: yes
@Not_From_Troy: The girl in front of me sped up so I did too. She started to run, just like me. Then she yelled for help, me too. I wonder what we fled from
@dreamthievin: No clean Tupperware today, so I brought my yogurt to work tied up in a condom. No longer allowed to use the employee fridge.