@Maxine12333: I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
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@BakedBrotatoes: [Job Interview] *okay, he can't find out I'm a wolf* *fixes tie* *checks breath* IS THAT A PICTURE OF YOUR BABY SHE LOOKS DELICIOUS
@shutupmikeginn: I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, 'change color and escape in a cloud of ink'
@KalvinMacleod: INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength? ME: I’m good at untying knots INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
@LackOfShame: The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.