I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
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The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
My plans: 2020: