I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
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[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
How software testing works
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*