I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
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Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
all bases covered
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t