I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
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He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
This could be us… but you playing
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys