I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
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2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
This can never not be funny 😭😭
My inexpensive home security system…
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that