I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
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The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.