I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
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You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground