I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
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[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I have a place for everything. The floor.