I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
You Might Also Like
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.