I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
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I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
A ghost story
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time