I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
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when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.