My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
You Might Also Like
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Sorry I made promises on Friday
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.